A complexity called love...

I intentionally wore a black anarkali, since black is considered inauspicious for (in)auspicious occasions like fixing of marriage so that the groom's family would not take the wedding any further. But then we all face the mom's sentimental talks and compulsions, so I changed to a white anarkali. Well, if she has requested me to wear Pattu Saree, I might have kicked her out. Perhaps she knew that and kept quiet after I changed to the whites. I don't call this as a "bride-seeing-ceremony" because its more like a friendly meet and more over my only motive was to reject this proposal. Reason being “Bala- The love of my life.”

The groom father is my father’s best buddy and when the groom's dad discussed about their proposal with my parents, they couldn't find a reason to reject the proposal. In fact they were all grinning from ear to ear.  We were invited for an informal dinner at Aadhithiya' s house. Oh yes, the prince charming is named Aadhitya. Brides going to grooms house just to eat Bajji, sweets and reject the groom: sounds like the best plan for a dismal evening.

"Aadhithiya" his dad called him and he came out from his room folding his sleeve. Heck he was wearing a white shirt! Uffff!!! God!!! Why? Why do you play this coincidence games with me? Dark, short, fat, Chinese eyes, I was looking for a reason to reject the groom. But then life is a package of surprises. Its known to offer, what you don’t actually wish for. He is a tall, fair and got a perfect slim body. A guy any girl wouldn't refuse. He greeted my parents and turned towards me to greet. Indeed, his smile adds charms to his face and he gets a slight dimple too!

After all the formalities, Aadhithiya's dad said, "It’s a second life for both of you. Discuss everything, your expectations, and your misery and then you guys can decide about this marriage. You both went through disappointments and so you both know better than anyone of us here. Our wish is secondary and we will not force you any of the decisions. All we wanted is your happiness"

Aadhithiya and I moved to his room, wait no imagination please! That was just for the sake of understanding each other! I went in first, he locked the door behind him. OMG, is he going to pounce on me or what? 'Run babe, run out before any such thing happens'. But I did not run. Or even move from where I stood.

This is no sound-proof room. Our parents could listen to every word we could speak. Hence, our conversation was so formal like, "Which college did you study'?, 'Which field of work' and so on.
Then it so happened that elders aka eavesdropping parents of us, turned so even more formal that they left the place informing they need to catch some air on the nearby park. And then we spoke everything under the universe, the past life, future expectations, the insult, the hurt, the prevailing depression, the soul-mate, love, marriage and It was almost late dinner time when we bid goodbye to each other and got into the car.

As soon as he shut his door and the car soundproofed, my dad asked, "Can we proceed with the marriage?"
"Dad..."
Before I could complete, he said, "Give me one reason to reject Aadhithiya. And please don’t say Bala. I heard it numerous times" 
His voice came out with a judicious mix of anger and concern. My silence must have pacified him. He continued "Well, then I will get his mobile number from his dad. You both can talk to each other further" His voice indicating a satisfaction and even a smack of happiness.
"We exchanged our number already." I replied him. On hearing this, I could sense an excitement in his complete self. I leaned back on the car seat and reminisced.

It has been 5 years now. Still, I could not forget Bala. He was the guy who taught me what life is. I had a problem of complacency at my childhood due to which I always faced an inferiority complex. I was an average student. I don’t know how to dress up for an occasion, or even to take care of myself. It was during my higher education he came into my life. He was my maths teacher, freshly joined after his post graduation. Life, for me, had a drastic change after that.

He taught me feel my self-respect, he inspired in me confidence. In a summary, I rediscovered myself again and grew to love myself more, when I was with him. He taught me everything which any of my parentage or academics couldn't. 2 years just passed by like 2 weeks. I stepped into college where as he moved to London to pursue his PHD. I realized that he purposefully avoided me. He had a genuine love for me but I think he must have felt that I was too young and my love is the common for my age which would fade away with him distancing himself from me. I waited for my graduation and then started to seriously hunt about his whereabouts. He might have been so clever; he was not in orkut, facebook and none of our common friends could trace his identity too. But I was confident about his love and hence I believed that he must have left a tiny clue somewhere to find him. If my love was true for him, I would find it. I did not get stressed out for 4 years for waiting and the following 2 years of hunting his where about. Love tastes better, when you wait for your soul and I treasured every bit of it.

His aspiration was to become an author. Hence, I scrutinized and registered all the social networking sites of writers, attended all writer’s and blog meet in a hope to get him back. These days, all books mention author's email id in the "about author" section. Hence, I followed all publishing house new releases so as to find his book (If in case, he publish a book) .

One fine day, I opened my browser to launch WriteUpCafe.com (A social network of readers, writers and bloggers from around the world). and saw winners list of a recent contest was announced and Bala’s name was there. I know its Bala. My Bala. Because though his initial was N, he gave his name as Bala S, S being Shalini.  My name. Tears welled up my eyes. I posted a comment “Congrats on wining,. Hoping to win you soon– Shalini“ and dropped my email id there. Next day, I got an email from him.

I recovered my senses as my dad stopped the car in front of my home. Next day morning, as I was getting ready for the flight I heard the door bell. It was Aadhithiya, and before I could embarrass him with questions my dad interfered and said, “Since you would be travelling to Boston for 3 months, I thought you guys could catch up before.” 

My parents altogether treated him with that “son-in-law” status which for sure must have embarrassed Aadhithiya. But then either of us had a valid reason to stop this upcoming marriage. For him a broken marriage, where the girl eloped with her boyfriend after one month of their marriage and for me Bala. Circumstance should never develop a hatred feeling towards something. I could understand from our conversation that Aadhithiya was in deep love with that girl after their engagement. He still respects her and her decision but wished she could have done that before his marriage.  We both had a fear whether we could love someone else again.  Could love happen again?

“Why don’t you drop her at airport? You guys will get some quality time to be together during the drive” my dad placed his next question and a suggestion and I was shaken back to the reality.
During our journey Aadhithiya said, “Our family members are accepting our silence as yes for our marriage. What are your thoughts about our life? Are you prepared for another new life?"
I replied, “Don’t know. But the current stagnation is suffocating. Wish I could move on soon. I will give a thought about it during my journey of 22 hours. Is that fine?”

Aadhithiya gave me a drop in the Airport and I boarded British Airways and the flight took off to London. Once, I reach London, I need to catch another flight to Boston.

                    Chennai  - > London(Heathrow Airport)  ->Boston 

My thoughts kept pondering over Aadhithiya during my flight journey. People do say, caring, trust, understanding, compromise are must for making a marriage work and I am sure, Aadhithiya would score a centum in above all and I can reciprocate the same as well. I am confident that I can be a perfect wife to him. But what about so-called-factor-called love.? Love cannot happen twice and I cant love anyone again in my life.

The British Airways landed at London and when it landed, it was delayed by some hours and I missed my connecting flight to Boston.  I was offered on arrival visa to UK and was arranged for another flight to Boston the next day.While I was checking into an hotel at London, I happened to see Bala.

God, why this should happen to me again. I was preparing myself to move on in my life, but I happened to meet Bala because of a missed flight. My thoughts roll back to 7 years.

7 Years before...

The happiness of meeting someone you know after years gives you lot of happiness. Imagine the happiness I got on receiving an email from Bala.

Bala and I roared out in joy.  Bala was doing research in London and our days and nights usually filled with skype and gtalk. I could do anything for him. If he says jump from third floor, I would do and then call him and ask, “I jumped and broke my leg Bala. What should I do next?” I am damn crazy for him and he was equally competitive in that.

But God had different plans for us. Bala planned to visit India for a month and the excitement of meeting him after decades made me restless. 30 days went like a fraction of second. I promised him that I will give come to send-off. While I was getting ready to leave for the airport, I got a call from my cousin brother saying that he cut his wrist in an attempt to commit suicide for a recent breakup.

I rushed to his house to rescue him and admit him in the hospital. In all that commotion, I forgot my promise to Bala. I was already late by 4 hours. Bala must have boarded the flight. I took the mobile to check, there were 89 missed calls and one message. “Someone seems to be MORE important to you. Take care” I know it was out of his anger and possessiveness or frustration or anger not from heart. But that one hour of anger changed both our fate. I waited for 10 hours for him to land him at London. All my calls went unanswered after that.

When I was talking with my cousin brother on the phone, Bala had to wait in his call. His mother brought a topic of Bala’s marriage while he was leaving India and in anger that his call was not answered for hours he replied “your wish.” This was icing on the cake for his mother who was eagerly waiting for our break-up so as to get a bride from her caste. Bala’s engagement was over without even Bala’s appearance. Everything happened in 2 days. Though Bala put forward the idea of stopping the marriage after his engagement, keeping a girl’s life and her consequence of stopping an engagement made me say no. After that, I disappeared from his life.

The receptionist called out my name loudly and I recovered my sense. 

Somewhere deep in my heart, I wished Bala' might have stopped that marriage and he might be waiting for me. But, it shattered into pieces, when a small kid ran towards him calling “Daddy”. Bala and I stood speechless. After minutes of silence, he pointed out a lady at the far and said, “She is my wife” 

On hearing those words, I felt like killing myself. Though my brains asked me to leave from the place at that instant, my heart wanted to stay. Could not control my heart and ended up asking, “How is marriage life”. 
Bala replied, “My wife loves me a lot and I like her too. Blessed with a female kid and life is cool” Not sure, whether he said it so as to make me to get married. But it did pain and I took a step to leave from the place. Bala replied, “Shalini, One minute. I do like her. But I don’t love her. Because I love another lady and you know who that is. Yeah, I am a perfect husband to her. But not a perfect soul-mate. Because.....” His words died in his throat. The pain on knowing that he still loves me hurted me to the core. We wish our soul mate to have a good peaceful life, but knowing that they moved on also hurts and knowing that still they think of you hurts too. Either way, a broken relationship hurts like hell. Next day, I boarded my flight to Boston.

After 10 hours I landed at Boston, collected my luggage and switched on my mobile. Received a what’s app text from Aadhithiya.

"Hey Shalini, Have you reached Boston safely. Well, I gave a thought about our life and marriage.. and to be frank, I like you. I can assure that I can be a perfect husband. But I am afraid that, I may not be your better half or soul-mate. Not with anyone too.. If you are okay with that, let’s talk to our parents for the marriage and fix a date."

My eyes clouded with tears, I couldn't get words, so just replied to him with a smiling smiley :) . And that would have conveyed him more than words could have.

This post is part of the contest Spin your Story on WriteUpCafe.com